Drawing 2

FRED:
Look at that. I've ruined another choice cut of sirloin steak. My boss will soon fire me. (Pause) Folks at home, do you understand what I'm talking about? It seems like every day, if I'm not waiting for hours while a box of ham thaws, I'm reducing all my food into miniature charcoal briquettes. And boy oh boy, my boss is expecting me, and a juicy sirloin steak, in the other room right now.

LOUIS:
(Walking on stage)And that is one stomach you really don't want to make angry. (Audience applauds)

FRED:
Why, it's Louis Harrison, chef of a highly mentionable restaurant!(Shakes hands) (More applause)

LOUIS:
Hello, Fred. (Pause) Fred, there is an important reason why I came here. I need to alert the public about a revolutionary new invention.

FRED:
That you invented.

LOUIS:
That I invented. It's called (short pause) “The Superbo-Cooker™”

FRED:
“Superbo-Cooker™”? Sounds confusing.

LOUIS:
Well, it isn't. In fact, it's so incredibly easy to cook with, it even has the patented “Incredo-Easy™” cooking system.

FRED:
Wow! That does sound easy. (Short pause) But how does it work?

LOUIS:
To understand my “Superbo-Cooker™”, you must first understand how normal ovens work. They pump great amounts of heat into your food, constantly removing valuable flavor, and therefore, exponentially increasing the chance of consumer dissatisfaction. In essence, this is no different than an oven manufacturer breaking into your home, stealing your money, and spitting in your face.

FRED:
That's not good.

LOUIS:
It certainly isn't. My “Superbo-Cooker™”, however, harnesses the power of suction.

FRED:
Woah. Wait. Hold on, buddy. The power of suction?

LOUIS:
Precisely. Suction is defined as ”1. Production of a partial vacuum so that external prsessure forces fluid in or causes something to adhere to a surface. 2. A sucking.”

FRED:
So Louis, you're saying that your “Superbo-Cooker™” harnesses this suction to cook.

LOUIS:
Exactly. (Audience applauds)

FRED:
(Pause) You know, Louis, I now understand how the “Superbo-Cooker™” can cook, but can it cook food in a realistic environment, such as this soundstage?

LOUIS:
Let's find out. (Pause) (Music plays in background, then stops) Fred, would you believe that I could cook a steak in the “Superbo-Cooker™”?

FRED:
A sirloin steak?

LOUIS:
Yes, I can cook a steak, and it is “Incredo-Easy™” to do so. You just open up the safety hatch, (opens safety hatch) move the “Superbo-Cooker™” kabob accessory to a different location, (moves the accessory) and just drop in the steak while holding in the “Condense” button. (Drops steak, holds in button) All you have left to do is pour in 3 cups of flour in the “Incredo-Easy™” sifting window, and then flip switch five. (Pause) This steak should be ready to eat in 15 minutes. (Applause)

FRED:
Now that is easy.

LOUIS:
Make that “Incredo-Easy™”! (Both men laugh, audience applauds)

FRED:
Louis, I would suppose that working as chef in a very mentionable restaurant would inspire you to create your own special dishes.

LOUIS:
Yes, it has.

FRED:
And I also suppose that holding these recipes to yourself, shielding them from the general public, has made you feel like a real S.O.B.

LOUIS:
You are correct on that one.

FRED:
I would then suppose that in a way to salvage your tattered, soiled soul, you would package a selection of these recipes with your “Superbo-Cooker™”

LOUIS:
Bingo. Each and every “Superbo-Cooker™” comes with ten full-color recipe cards, containing my very favorites, such as my “Lunchin' Tex-Mex Snack Crackers. (Audience applauds)

FRED:
And you can make this meal with only the ingredients listed on the card?

LOUIS:
That's the idea of a recipe. (Short pause) To make this dish, just open your “Superbo-Cooker™”, (walks to second machine, further down counter) and add 1 bag of uncooked bacon, 3 eggs, with shells, and one large packet of gelatin mix. (Adds ingredients)

FRED:
Wow.

LOUIS:
And then, just after using two of the three “Incredo-Easy™” “Clamp-Rods” to secure the “Superbo-Cooker™” lid, flip switches 2, 6, and 8. (Pause) These Tex-Mex snack crackers should be ready in seven minutes. (Applause)

FRED:
Now that is easy.

LOUIS:
Make that “Incredo-Easy™”! (Both men laugh, audience applauds)

FRED:
Louis, watching you pour the gelatin mix into the “Superbo-Cooker™” reminded me of the dissolving “gelatin crystals” of my income, fading away into the “bacon-fat” of everyday expenses.

LOUIS:
Nice metaphor.

FRED:
Yes, it is. (Pause) My question is, Louis, will the “Superbo-Cooker™” break the bank? Or merely distort it in a way that will please me and my family?

LOUIS:
Well, Fred, if you go into a normal department store, such as a McSweeny's or a Govgebot Ltd, you could buy one of my “Superbo-Cooker™s” for 800 dollars. And oh boy, it's worth it.

FRED:
Yes, it is.

LOUIS:
Yes, it is.

FRED:
Yes, it is.

LOUIS:
(Long pause)

FRED:
Yes, it is.

LOUIS:
…But the people who watch this infomercial deserve better. (Applause)

LOUIS:
For today only, in a special television deal, you can get my “Superbo-Cooker™” for…870 dollars. (Mild applause)

FRED:
Louis, that's a good deal…but I think you can do better.

LOUIS:
…Okay. For today only, …special television deal, …comes with recipe cards, …“Incredo-Easy™” cooking system…, …power of suction… (Pause) A thousand and three dollars. (Mild applause)

FRED:
I don't think that the people are impressed. …I'll give you one more shot.

LOUIS:
I can still do this. (Takes large breath) …For today only… special television deal… 10 full-color recipe cards… “Incredo-Easy™” cooking system… power of suction… 28 week warranty… includes 14 mail-in rebates… For 6 easy payments of $29.99. (Loud applause) (Applause continues, then screen freezes on Louis, sound stops)

NARRATOR:
Hold on a second, Louis! That deal is outdated! Now people can get the “Superbo-Cooker™” for just 5 easy payments of $29.99! (Screen resumes, applause continues, louder than before)

FRED:
(Waits for applause to end) Louis, I think that the “Lunchin' Tex-Mex Snack Crackers” are ready.

LOUIS:
They are. (Short pause) Would you care to try one?

FRED:
Certainly. (Louis puts spatula into cooker, then pulls out piece with his hand) (Fred eats piece) Wow. …Wow. The taste is so authentic… I could swear that I am standing on a piece of land that is either in Texas or Mexico. Incredible. (Applause)

LOUIS:
I can tell that you already have developed quite a liking to the “Superbo-Cooker™” What do you think other people from across the country think of it?

FRED:
Well, unless they're some sort of child molester, I would guarantee that they would love the “Superbo-Cooker™”

LOUIS:
Let's watch some testimonials to find out.

(Testimonial one: Leo Freeman. Scranton, Pennsylvania.)
LEO:
I enjoy the rich, savory tastes of many food products. The “Superbo-Cooker™” is perfect for me!
(Applause)

(Testimonial two: Hal Bringham. New York City, New York.)
HAL:
The power of suction alone has cut my electricity bill in half!
(Applause)

(Testimonial three: Sandra Millant. Pawtucket, Rhode Island.)
SANDRA:
I have a great story. Once, I was making a “Superbo-Cooker™” exclusive: sautéed fishsticks and broccoli, in my “Superbo-Cooker™”… and it turned out great! (Long pause) It's no secret… I've done this every night for a year and a half!

(Testimonial four: Charles St. Charles. Cincinnati, Ohio.)
CHARLES:
The “Superbo-Cooker™” has made me temporarily useful. For the time being, I have a reason to live.

(Testimonial five: Don Miller. Portland, Oregon.)
DON:
The “Incredo-Easy™” cooking system has put a “spark” back in my love life, if you know what I mean… Thank you, “Superbo-Cooker™”!

(Fade back to set. Fred Brancher is crying, face down on counter next to “Superbo-Cooker™” Louis Harrison is ignoring him.)

LOUIS:
Is there a problem, Fred?

FRED:
(Quickly comes to attention, with normal voice) Well, Louis, I was just flooded with traumatic memories from my childhood. They crush me, Louis. It simply crushes me.

LOUIS:
Could you get into detail about it, Fred?

FRED:
Well, I can't get into detail about it, but I'll say that nothing could save me now… except a succulent young lobster, with cream sauce.

LOUIS:
(Puts hand to ear) Do you hear that, Fred?

FRED:
The unending silence of my unending death?

LOUIS:
No! It's the call of the ”Superbo-Cooker™”! (Music starts) (Music stops)

LOUIS:
What would you say if I told you that you can boil a lobster in the “Superbo-Cooker™” without wasting quarts and quarts of messy, expensive water?

FRED:
I would whimper from under the blanket of suffering that smothers me so.

LOUIS:
No, it is true! Just add one lobster to 12 cups of salt, inside the ”Superbo-Cooker™” (Pause) It boils in only nine minutes! (Applause)

FRED:
(Softly) The crushes is begin to stopping! (Pause) (Normally) Please go on.

LOUIS:
And listen to this: when boiling your lobster in your “Superbo-Cooker™”, a yellow discharge will slowly leak from around the “Incredo-Easy™” safety latch. (Short pause) Our attorneys have advised us that we can technically refer to this as “cream sauce”. (Applause)

FRED:
(Softly) The crushes stopping now moreful.

LOUIS:
And Fred, would you care to try some lobster that I secretly prepared nine minutes ago? (Pulls out “Superbo-Cooker™”, readies plate, puts garnish on dish)

FRED:
(Eats bite) (Normally) You know, Louis… this has completely cured me of my trauma. (Applause) (Both men laugh) (Louder applause)

LOUIS:
Fred, I believe that you now hold a deep respect for the “Superbo-Cooker™” You love it more than you love your wife, children, mother, and father. (Pause) In fact, you would kill them all in order to get your hands on a “Superbo-Cooker™”

FRED:
Yes. I would. I'm sorry I've ever doubted you.

LOUIS:
I accept your apology. (Light applause)

FRED:
It's certainly been one wild trip tonight in the wonderful world of “Superbo-Cooker™” (Pause) I guess that I have nothing left to do than go back to dinner with my boss.

LOUIS:
Aren't you forgetting something?

FRED:
(Extremely long pause) My sirloin steak! (Reaches into “Superbo-Cooker™” on counter, pulls out steak, with cloud of flour) Now I've got my sirloin steak, (looks at watch) with seconds to spare! (Walks towards door, then turns around) Goodbye, Louis. And thank you.

LOUIS:
Don't thank me; thank the “Superbo-Cooker™”! (Cue end bumper)